Blog of Jeff

As I was perusing the internet tonight, studying mankind’s accumulated wisdom, knowledge, and culture, I came across a religious story that desperately needs the Dan Brown/Ron Howard/Tom Hanks treatment.

In 1983, a holy relic was stolen was stolen from a Roman Catholic church in Calcata, just north of Rome. The case was never solved and conspiracy theories about Vatican involvement remain to this day. (Doesn’t this scream Da Vinci Code?)

What was this holy relic? Why, it was Jesus’ foreskin, of course. Detailed story here.

This story also reminds me of hearing Will Ferrell’s declarations of “By Odin’s Beard!” in one of his movies. Can’t you just see him changing it up to “By Jesus’ Foreskin!”?

I have decided how I want my funeral handled. I want a nice going away ceremony at Chuck E Cheese. I was there the other night for a school party and I decided it would be perfect. Chuck E himself could invite everyone to come down to the Chuck E Cheese TV studio to say a few words and everyone would wander up there with a confused look. Just seeing how everyone would handle the what to wear question would be priceless. “Do I wear a suit? I mean, it’s Chuck E Cheese. But on the other hand, it’s a funeral. There are no rules that cover this!”

There would be a five-year-old just a few tables over having a birthday party. There would also be a lot of crying but that wouldn’t be from the funeral-goers; it would just be the usual kids totally overdosed on sugar and adrenaline that give Chuck E Cheese its special charm.

Yep, that’s what I want. A bunch of really confused people eating pizza and cinnamon sticks while nearby kids go crazy. I want to hear, “Mommy, mommy, can I have some tokens?”
“No, this is a funeral. Sit down and be quiet.”
“But mommy, we’re at Chuck E Cheese and all the other kids are playing.”
“Oh all right, here’s five dollars. Just make sure you don’t bother the other mourners.”

Jeff’s funeral. A place where a kid can be a kid. It’s perfect. And for one short period of time, I will be able to look up from my little corner of hell, see everybody at Chuck E Cheese and think “I am soooo glad that I am not there …”

We got a different type of toothpaste at the store the other day and I am now wondering if the world needs this many different types. There is toothpaste for smokers, toothpaste for people with sensitive teeth, toothpaste with whiteners, toothpaste that fights plaque, toothpaste that fights gingivitis, toothpaste with mouthwash, plus all of those different flavors.

Do we really need all those types of toothpaste? I mean, I like the new toothpaste. But I also liked the old toothpaste. In fact, I don’t remember ever having a type of toothpaste that made me go, “Wow, that is totally unacceptable.”

Despite all the conventional wisdom about humans not liking change, apparently people like changing their toothpaste every time they buy a new tube. My guess is companies do this is because 99% of the ingredients in toothpaste are the same in every type, brand, and flavor. And those ingredients probably cost less than a nickel, leaving dollars of pure profit for every tube of “new and improved, mouth-whitening, germ-killing, plaque reducing, sensitivity reducing, kiss improving” variety they can bring to market.

By the way, I would really like some chocolate toothpaste …

Oh it is a New Year and time once again to commit to all sorts of silly new me kinds of things. Since I’m not very good at resolutions, maybe I will try a different strategy this year.

1. I will exercise less
2. Eat more
3. Be meaner
4. Drink more
5. Watch more TV
6. Blog less
7. Pay less attention to the family
8. Be a worse boss
9. Skip more classess
10. Win fewer lotteries

There, that should be 10 resolutions that I can actually keep.

Another day of feeling that only an idiot would think about walking away from a perfectly good day job to become a struggling writer. In fact, my business plan practically screams “idiot” from it. I have little to no start-up capital, no confirmed clients, no proof that anybody will every buy enough of my writing to scratch out a living and no good fall back plan. But, my heroes have always been eccentric writers who make stupid career decisions. Mark Twain, Edgar Allen Poe and Benjamin Franklin all lost or quit numerous good jobs during their careers. And only one of them died drunk and penniless in a ditch. (And another fought hard for the turkey to be national bird, but discovering electricity ought to balance that out …)

Speaking of writing, I did put some good work in this weekend on a short story that I hope to publish by the end of April. I will probably sell it for $5 through one of the online publishing companies to see how it works. I will probably put an excerpt and synopsis on the fiction part of my site, but I don’t intend to make any copies freely available. My business plan is pretty clear that I should stick to my guns on trying to sell my work. I think my business plan also says something about selling 1,000 units, but I’m pretty sure that was PUI. (Planning Under the Influence)

Troy Patterson reviewed the new TV show The Tudors for Slate today (http://www.slate.com/id/2162994/). I haven’t seen the show (which is about Henry VIII in his youth) and Patterson didn’t give it much praise, but one scene he described from the show really struck my fancy.

“I’ve received a gift from the Duke of Urbino,” Henry broods to Sir Thomas More. “It’s a book called The Prince by a Florentine, Niccolò Machiavelli. … It’s not like your book Utopia. It’s less … utopian.”

I love humor by understatement, so that probably explains my enjoyment of this quote. It also gives me an opportunity to report with great sadness that one of my all-time favorite understatements appears to have been, in fact, mistranslated. I used to love reading the line in Beowulf that Grendel’s mother was a “monster of a woman.” Apparently, scholars now believe that the proper translation probably would have something closer to “warrior lady” and not implied any monstrosity at all. (See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grendel’s_mother for the full discussion.)

So, the one line that made the entire long, drawn out epic worth reading to me has been taken away. Thanks, Wikipedia. And thank you too, Beowulfian scholars. I have learned something and I am a lesser man for it.

Oh well, at least I still have Katherine Hepburn’s marvelous understatement in The Lion in Winter’s classic quote, “What family doesn’t have its ups and downs?” If you have never seen that movie, you need to find it. That line is one of the most perfect ever delivered on screen.